One of the slogans which was once attached to this collection of Axis
and Allies tales was "To assist and amuse."  I was always partial to the
'amuse' portion, as there is nothing better than a good laugh to
brighten up your day.

(I know what you're thinking, but go with me on this, will you?)

Writing a funny story isn't easy; telling a funny joke takes skill, but
it isn't all that difficult to find a few nuggets of humor in the midst
of all this
 
 

Notes From the Front

Game 5836

 Axis:  silex@
Allies:  omay@

GERMANY 2 ~ Somewhere over the English Channel

Attacker: 5 ftr 1 bmb
Defender: 3 trn 2 ftr 1 ac

Attacker:
ftr: 2*,3*,6,1*,3* (4 hits)
bmr: 3* (1 hits)
Total Attacker hits: 5

Defender:
trn: 2,5,5 (0 hits)
ftr: 5,4* (1 hits)
ac: 4 (0 hits)
Total Defender hits: 1

***********************************
Russian Scientist crack the Gentic code of Human DNA (GOD
project). Supermen perform miracles on Eastern front that makes the
Luftwaffe's exploits seem pathetic.
***********************************

RUSSIA (?)  Invasion of Eastern Europe

Attacker:  21 inf, 4 arm, 2 ftr
Defender:  14 inf

Attacker captures while losing only 6 inf.

GERMANY 6 ~ Months later

AAARGGH!!! It's those genetic supermen again! Curse you, what gave you
the right to play God?! This is Evil. EEEEVIIIIILL!!!! Don't mess with
Mother Nature!

16 inf, 1 ftr, 1 arm (Ger) VS 14  inf in WEU

******* Held with 11 inf. 7 inf, 1 arm flee back to Ger howling in Holy
terror.*****

  GM:  HighCmmdr
 Axis:  bx095@
Allies:  EnemyThine

 Dr. S.A. Fraud, the renowned German biologist, has been set to the
shores of northern Germany to study an infestation which has occurred in
the North Sea. The following is his account of his results.

     "The species seems to be an water insect of some sort, astonishing
     considering the fact that individuals can reach sizes of between
     15 and 40 meters. They are social insects that build colonies of
     immense size. Because of territorial concerns, only one colony
seems
     to be established in a given area.
         There is a great deal of specialization within the colony and
     different individuals will play different roles. I have identified
and
     named a few of the classes of these. The typical member of the
colony is
     a comparatively small worker on whom most of the day to day tasks
fall.
     They are neuters normally, but when the colony size falls below a
certain
     point they develop both male and female organs and reproduce at an
     astounding  rate. To show both there roles as both the worker and
     repopulator of the colony I have named these individuals Toiling
     Reproductive Neuters (trns for short). While the majority of the
     colony members are trns and they are the workers, they do not
create
     the actual structure of the colony. Larger in size, the specialized

     Advance Colony Creators (acc) build the infrastructure on which the

     colony is based and from which the colony can defend itself. I have

     only seen one of these per colony, but without them the colony is
more a
     loose collection of individuals than an actual colony. The last
class seen
     within this species is a small, winged group of individuals. They
act
     as reconnaissance for the colony. Whereas the rest of the
individuals
     are for the most part bound to the colony, this class can scout out

     locations away from the colony. They are very dependant on the
formal
     structure of the colony and require the accs to have done their
work
     in order to take off and land. I have named this class Flying
     Tri-winged Reconnoiterers (ftr) as they have one wing on either
side of
     their bodies and a third as part of a tail structure.
         As noted before when the colony is partially destroyed any
individual
     (except those in the ftr class) can quickly reproduce to recreate
an
     entire colony. They are fiercely defensive, particularly the
     reconnoiterers. My recommendation is that if Berlin can't wipe them
out
     in one go they will simply reproduce and replace the colony. Unless
able
     to eradicate them all, Germany should leave them alone.

Game 5800

  GM:  binkster
 Axis:  Ricola
Allies:  Geekboy

Germany 4:  Ricola sends his blooded Panzer unit against Geekboy's
British fighter and bomber based in Syria. Ricola admits the suicidal
nature of the assault but asks GM binkster to roll anyway:

2. SYR
 -> german armor goes on suicide mission
 1 arm
 vs.
 1 bomber, 1 fighter
A1: 4  Sand storm, zero visibility
D1: 5/5    ditto
A2: 4  Air filters clogged...
D2: 2/6    ditto
A3: 5   Need more fuel!
D3: 6/6   same here!
A4: 6   Oil filters clogged...
D4: 6/5   drifting runways unflyable...
A5: 4   tank treads worn out...
D5: 6/4*  KILL
Finally a patch of clear weather combines with adequate maintenance and
fresh supplies to allow the Brits to send a few Hurricanes aloft against

the mired Panzer invasion...
Syr holds with FTR, BMB.

Game 5965

 Axis:  MacTabar
Allies:  Max

THE BID:   2 trn in Bal, 1 inf in Lib

THE QUESTION:  What are the Krauts going to do with all those
transports?

THE ANSWER:  Zitizens of Great Pritain! Ve announsze a great nuvz, az
Hiz Majesty abdicated today in fafor of Adolf Hitler, die great and
belofed Fuhrer of Germany, who, vid his vise and benefolend leadership,
schall bring forss a nu mit glorious era in Europen. Sieg Heil! Today iz
ein great day, ja, ein great day  and......"

THE RESULT:  I have never conceded before after only one turn.  I could
never have imagined that such a situation would arise; but it has.

Allies Beware!

A&A Pet Peeves

Since reading "Ringworld" a few decades back, I've always been
interested in the idea of the "Teela Brown" gene. Niven's idea was that,
at some level, luck might be a heritable trait. A character in his book,
Teela Brown, had inherited quite a bit of it, which made for a good
story.

Now we all know that the IAAPA ranking rules are pretty effective at
sorting out players based on skill level. Officers don't make as many
mistakes, and so on.

At the same time, we also kX-Mozilla-Status: 0009r really bad dice can
in some cases decide a game. Suppose a player is just a little more
likely than average to get good dice, and has the skill to know what to
do with them. That person would rise through the ranks pretty quickly!

So I propose a statistical analysis: lets run a multiple regression
analysis of IAAPA rating and rank vs. the frequency of above average
results in the dice server logs. I'd be willing to bet that we'd find
apositive correlation!

Maybe we'll even find a "Teela Brown" in our midst! ;-)

Knight Muse

Being the Knight Errant is not an easy job, even without all these heavy
weapons to lug around, and sometimes things just change a little faster
than my chainmail allows me to move.  I'd honestly thought I had the
topic for this month's Muse, and it would still be relevant, although
perhaps somewhat late in its arrival.  I was going to discuss the hot
topic of Game Logs....and had the entire Muse completed early in
April....but then I heard a rumor that I'm not the only one who has
realized that logs are much easier to compile than originally
envisioned.

So I was stuck for a topic; but not for long.

My primary interest in IAAPA is exclusively focused on the 2nd and 3rd
letters of that acronym, which stand for "Axis" and "Allies."  When I
discovered that one could actually play A&A by email, I was astounded.
I thought, "What a great idea!  Let me go there and show these pups how
to play."  I've learned a lot since then, been humbled much too
frequently, and yet....I still LOVE this game.  I can honestly say that
I love the playing ~ whether I win or lose ~ and if I didn't enjoy the
friends I've made and all of the great games, I would have quit a very
long time ago.

I recently, along with many, many other members, lost at least 1 rank
under the new ratings/rankings structure.  I played a lot of games,
plotted many strategies, and bled heavily to earn that rank.  Well,
actually, all I did was play some games, but from all of the noise I've
been hearing, you'd think that some members were actually taking paycuts
when they lost a rank.  Come on folks, I honestly thought that the point
was to have fun!

Sure, the ranking is nice.  It's good to have a little incentive to
improve your play ~ a way of gauging yourself against your fellow
members ~ a little recognition for superior performance...but it should
not be one's reason for being in this Association.  It's become too
popular for players to work their way up through the ranks picking and
choosing their opponents.  A recent example concerns a "Top" player who
offers a challenge, wins the game, promises a rematch, but then
conveniently forgets about that promise.  Yet, when offered a rematch
against a different opponent with an even lower ranking/rating,
immediately signs up for the game.  Since this "Top" player may have
very few opponents against which he WON'T risk losing some
points.....why not pick the one which seems the easiest?

That's fine.  This "Top" player has just made his way onto the (very
small) list of players whom Errant Knight's alter-ego will never play.
However, if you are a player, and you truly enjoy playing this game ~
for the GAME ~ you and I will meet one day, my friend.

LATE BREAKING NEWS:  Check out the Web Knight:
http://www.geocities.com/errant_knight_2000/

EK

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Knight Mail

Remember all those copies of the first two issues of IAAPA Havoc that you received?  Well, I promised not to repeat that bonehead play again...and since I was chastised severely by the WebNanny, I had better live up to that promise.  However, should something go haywire with this issue, please feel free to give the extra copies to all of your friends.  (I'm not sure what EnemyThine can do with his extra copies.)

Next issue, to poke a little fun at your mailing problems, you could
refer to yourself as "Error Knight."

Have a good one,
Chris (KidPilot)

EK.....I wish EYE'd thought of that one :)

I have enjoyed looking through the Havoc. You do a nice job with it and
if you have a good time doing it so much the better. I try to remind
myself that for most people it's easy to criticize other people when you
aren't putting anything on the line yourself.

(What's the old Teddy Roosevelt quote about being "The man in the
arena"?)

Anyway, good luck and hope that your e-mail will work better. There are
a few sites on the net that have put up links for patches to remove the
Melissa virus. I guess you could try that if you think that's the
problem...

                                                              Best
Wishes,

                                                                  Jerry

EK.....Thanks Jerry.  I don't think it was Melissa, however.  I believe
it might have had more to do with the genetic deficiencies with which
every blonde Knight is burdened.

In reference to ' A&A pet peeves': I always likened crappy roles to the
fog-o-battle-rule:

When everything looks good on paper but just didn't materialize due to
an horrendous collusion of Thor and Mars against you,  all you can do is
repeat what they used to say in the 1/14, 25th LID, Schofield BRKS, HI :

" W.E.T.S.U."  ~  "We eat the" (-- stuff --) "up".

And then of course, there's "Charlie Mike" ~ Continue Mission.

Codagh

EK.....Ah, the joy of Army Acronyms.  Of course, most would need heavier
editing than WETSU :)

heheheheh

no troubles, it helps thinking we are important when we see 10 messages!

heheheheh

keep smiling!

     ~      tsilver@

EK.....Always!  :)

Recon Squad

Do you have an interesting or humorous A&A story?  Is there something
that makes your blood pressure skyrocket and your face turn purple?
Would you enjoy sharing/warning other IAAPA members?  The IAAPA Havoc
has a severe shortage of intelligence and desperately needs
reconnaissance volunteers.  Contributions will be accredited to either
your email address, or preferably your Association Alias.  All
intelligence reports should be forwarded thru channels to the S-3
Officer at:

                              havoc@axisandallies.net

Errant Knight
 

IAAPA Havoc Contributors:

KidPilot     tsilver@     Cealgaire     Codagh     omay@     markw@
HighCmmdr     binkster

With special thanks for the continuing efforts of IAAPA's Logs Minister:
cwmcbride

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