Greetings Generals, Despots, Mercenaries, and Autocrats alike: Another month has passed and we find ourselves at the edge of summer, a mere two days away! Even since Biblical times, this has been the season where kings go out to war, and this year is no exception. These last thirty days have seen the completion of the Spring Live Tournament, the completion of the first round in the biggest Axis and Allies tournament ever, and the club's annual convention, this year most aptly named, the Battle in the Bayou. So, let's take a peak into that vast wilderness known as the Ongoing Games Folders with.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------~~~The Havoc~~~---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------- But, before we begin, I must deviate from our natural course to quote one rather famous comedian, no longer on television: "What is the Deal?????" What I am referring to, of course, is this epidemic that seems to be moving swiftly through the AOL game boards. There seems to be this fascination among GMs to see how much space they can take up with each turn. Here is my own best representation of this phenomenon. USA #13 Purchase with 29 1 AC Eastern US 1 TRN Eastern US 1 INF Western US SAVE 0 If Brevity really is the soul of wit, why do many people feel that TRIPLE SPACING their turns is cool????!? But, ::stepping off of soapbox:: We must continue. The world does not revolve around my petty complaints. Perhaps something funnier, you ask? Here is a truly classic pun from the pen of Crazyfust in game #4066: "Here's the result of the quick grab of the US capitol (and capital!)" And it worked, the Japanese captured both: "Fort Knox and D.C." as GM Michael Knowles put it. I will only bore you with one more such example, a rather witty exchange between alan.mcmahon@ and his GM Hirshfeldr in game #4159: " Mahatma Ghandi cheers Japanese forces as ground is broken for new munitions factory in New Dheli. " to which GM replies: " ----He and his followers are immediately put to work in it " ::Hysterical laughter from the peanut gallery:: To go along with your pun and wit, here is a great example of hyperbole: "Cut off from supply line, German units fight bravely, but are slaughtered as Hitler issues no surrender order. Stalin is delighted with opportunity to slaughter Germans. " oooh, sounds rather gorry, doesn't it?? Perhaps an entire army is mowed down, right?? This from GM KBgorr in the monumentally numbered game 4000 after the senseless slaughter of a whole: 2 German INF! ! ! A strange tech achievement appeared in #4281: After all units died in an air vs. sea battle, GM Kayveydog announced: "mission accomplished as reported by U2 surveillance. pilots MIA" Didn't know they had those in WWII Also, an apparent time lapse in #3699, where GM reddwarf@, after a Japan SZ battle announced the results; "3 US trans (returning 50 million tamagochi electronic pet games) sunk !!" Didn't know those were around then either. Another interesting comment by Kayveydog in #4281: Of a strategic bombing mission he writes, "should i assume the aa is there? i GUESS so. aa: 1 peeeeeoooooooowwwwwwwwowowwowowbobooooooooshooshooshosssshhhssh bmb dead" I know all of you are now going back and trying to pronounce that, but to no avail. One further example of stellar GMing comes from dery@ in game #4351: "Ukraine finally taken w/3 arm. Russians took heavy casualties to reach their objective. 8 inf divisions lost to tenacious German Resistance." How tough was that resistance again? Tenacious? Well, if you have dery@ as your GM you not only get rolls, but a little vocabulary lesson as well. AND NOW, This month's feature, Some stories of Der Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler. First, the Subject heading on a turn from Guns4All, game #4179 "Hitler promises to stop asking stupid questions..." To which the first line of his letter replies: "You'll note that this says nothing about ceasing to do stupid things." And that is seems to be the case most often, as when Hitler recommended this; "Der Fuhrer, in a rage over the loss of two territories, orders his generals to play Wagner at top volume 24 hours a day. This is to inspire the troops, he says, and it is to be continued until they become inspired!" topdog@ #4218 Or this decision in Game #3331, "Due to recent murders to his fellow countrymen Hitler decides to write a crummy letter of apology to all their families." PulligS Isn't that the truth for all dictators. And last, but certainly not least, is this suspenseful intro to a German turn by Lennsheherr2, who also has the longest AOL screen name I have seen. " Hilter is demanding his generals invade Moscow. His generals tell Hitler such an attack would be suicide. However Hitler pays no attention to them. So here it is-the attack you've been waiting for. The panzers are ready to invade, and hitler is ready to give the order. One of his generals gives the Fuher a sleeping pill, just before the order to attack is given. The panzers are recalled, and a counter-attack into the caucuses becomes Germany's only action on the Eastern Front." Now there's some narrative we can applaud. STATS AND STUFF Two different lists have passed across my desk this month that are absolutely stellar. First, a few highlights from AnA Gamer's "Survival Tactics", some of Murphy's laws that appear all too often in Axis and Allies: 1. NEVER say, "The absolute, only way I could lose this game is if..." 2. NEVER, when using an odds calculator, point out the least likely outcome of a battle before it has been resolved. 3. NEVER attempt to use an opponent's winning strategy against your next opponent. 4. NEVER say to your opponent "You need ( x ) hits." 5. NEVER attack an unescorted transport with your only surviving airplane. These are just a few of my favorites. The other list that came to me was from Legonuts. Here are a few of Murphy's laws regarding combat in general. Follow these or avoid them the next time you are fighting on the battlefield for freedom. So here, in no particular order, are my personal top 20 1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are 2. Friendly fire ain't 3. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it 4. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at 5. Incoming fire has the right of way 6. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush 7. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire 8. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant' 9. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose 10. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder 11. Always honour a threat 12. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it 13.The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack 14. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds 15. When in doubt, empty the magazine 16. Mine fields are not neutral. They attack both armies 17. There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole 18. More aircraft are incapacited by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action 19. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd And, my personal favorite: 20. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down If you would like the complete list of either of these, please let me know, I would be glad to give them to you. And that, is this month's story from our wonderful club, now known as the IAAPA (how long will the acronym grow), the International Axis and Allies Players Association I tried to think of a more meaningful acronym that would sound like a known word, but alas, we just have too many vowels. The roster looks just about how it did at this time last month 368 AOL Members 55% 301 Internet Members 45% For a grand total of 669. A mere difference of one more member from last month at this time. Your Knight Errant "Assist and Amuse", {>> Jon <<}